I'd buy that for a dollar!

I thought I would never see one, but on saturday night I did. I held it in my hands. It wasn't as big as I thought it would be. But it was special. It should be mounted on the wall. What am I talking about? An oversized check that they hand out to the winners of gameshows and sporting contests.

Friends of mine made it on to 'Deal or no deal', the gameshow on channel seven. They sat throught four shows watching other contestants win gradually increasing amounts from around $5000 to over $40000. Then it came for the last taping of the day. My friend was randomly chosen and, after correctly answering the questions, he was the main contestant. He thought it must be his luckiest day. He chose briefcase 17. The show hasn't been aired yet so I won't reveal how much he one, sorry, won. But it will be on a friday. Look at for his girlfriend calling him a metrosexual on national TV as well as him (he's a big boy) trying to fit into a small car. He almost didn't. But it was all worth it just for that oversized check.

Discs spinning in my head

The music that I listen to depends on what mood I am in at that particular point in time.

Music on my computer: none. I have a very old computer with no space for music.

Song playing right now (it's in my head): . "Rock n' Roll is Where I Hide" by Dave Graney. I've been playing along with it on my guitar at home. I love the chord progression. I am invisible, no one sees me, I should be a spy.

5 songs I listen to a lot (at the minute and they play in my head continuously):
These change all the time. I may spend weeks listening to the following and then have a complete mood change and I won't listen to them for ages. I have so many songs which I listen to a lot, if I did the numbers.
-"Beautiful Day Never Ends" by Even off 'A Different High', 'beautiful day won't you come back again, tomorrow is so far away'. I'm a big fan of Even. A very underrated trio.
-"Sleepy Head (Serene Machine)" by Ed Kuepper
'If you scratch your world to pieces
You'll see the stains and all the creases
That are hidden away
With your sweet life at an all time low
No sweet-talkers with gems for eyes
To show the way.'
I've been listening to the album 'Ed Kuepper Sings His Greatest Hits For You' at the moment. Such fine tracks, so many of these songs going through my head.
-"Heavy Heart" by You Am I. Fellow North Melbourne supporter Tim Rogers laments.
-"Shark Attack" by Split Enz.
'Well she chewed me up and she spat me out
I didn't want to meet a maneater
Shark attack!'
Off a great album, True Colours. I should have brought this and other 80's albums to Elaines' party.
-"40 Years - Then Death" by TISM.
'Perfume! The smell of perfume
Is forgotten, and the shape of the room
And the sheets on her bed
Disappear forever from my head.'
There is always a lyric from a TISM song which expresses the mood of any situation.

I wonder what songs will be playing in my head in a months time?

Arbitrary measurements of time

There are some people who look forward to their birthdays. There are those that like to (some of them secretly) have a fuss made over them. I am not one of them.
You may hav guessed from the above that my birthday is approaching rapidly. Ever since I can remember I've never been a big fan of my own birthday. I always felt uncomfortable with the attention. Family members seemed quite upset when I would genuinely say that I wanted nothing for my birthday. I was being honest yet they didn't believe me. It's always difficult being the odd one out in your family (this is just one example of this).
On only two occassions have I had a party, my 21st and 30th. Everyone has to have a 21st. It was more of a party then a birthday. I almost got away without speeches. I thanked everyone for coming, told them to party on and that was about it. No stories. My 30th was a joint party with my friend Nick. I can't really remember too much from that one.

Why does it require a birthday (or other arbitrary date such as Christmas) for family or friends to get together? If you are close to someone then you make time to go and see them because you want to and not out of obligation. A lot of stress is caused because of this. You must of heard "But it's family and you have to go". Let's take a closer look at this. 100,000 years ago there would have been just a few families (I wonder how do you define 'family'?). If the above was adhered to, the get togethers today should be enormous. But they aren't. Why? Because those that followed the above wiped themselves out because of internal family feuds.
Having said that I should catch up with some friends who I haven't seen in a long time. I do enjoy their company and I'm ashamed to say that I've been lazy recently. So I'm off to contact them, especially Joh and Paul.

When can you cut someones lunch?

At a recent party, someone propositioned a friend knowing that this friend had been out on at least one date with someone else. Is this a 'lunch cut' and what constitutes 'dating' or 'going out' with someone? If you have been on two dates does this mean you are dating?

I remember back in my past when attending the seedy nightclubs of Melbourne that my group of friends had a rule about lunch cutting. On at least one occassion we held council during the following week after a major accusation of lunch cutting the previous weekend. I can't remember if the protest was dismissed but it was a very funny night. The rule was:
- You give your friend 10 mins with a girl and if he looks like he is getting nowhere, you were allowed to step in. There had to be confirmation from at least one other that your friend was getting nowhere.
This was highly subjective and to overcome this you would do everything to try to secretly manoeuver the girl away from any prying eyes. It was hard. The dance floor wasn't even safe. There was also the 'let's see if we can break this up' attitude. You pretend not to know these guys as they perform the most ridiculous dance moves. I can still picture five blokes pretending they are mowing lawns on the dance floor. (Cutting lunch .... cutting grass.)

That was in the past. I'm now of the belief that if someone has been on at least one date they should be able to explore this without interference from another. By date, I mean the two of you have made plans to spend time together with no other friends around. I think it would be poor form to cut someones lunch this early on. However, if the number of dates goes over, say, half a dozen and there is no declaration of boyfriend/girlfriend, then I think that all bets are off and moves may be made.

You know you're old when....

• it takes you four days to recover from a big night of drinking.Those cocktails provide by Elaine were excellent except that the Tom Collins might have had just a bit too much sugar syrup added. My memory of that night fades in and out but I can't seem to recall all of the activity that has been reported. That's the problem of getting older, your memory ain't like it used to be.
• the clothes you wore to an 80's party were the clothes you wore in the 80's. Not only that, but you had a choice of what to wear still hanging in your wardrobe.
• when you realise that you were 14 when your dad was the age you are now. No wonder I found it tough playing backyard soccer against him. True, he was a professional soccer player, but back then I thought he was way over the hill and that I should have thrashed him.
  
• you are made a life member of a sporting club. You also realise that your association with the club covers over one-fifth of the club's history. I gotta get out more.
• the youngest player currently in the AFL was born after you left high school. Not only that, you are also older than the oldest current AFL player. The scary thing is that you think you could play better than half the guys out there, particularly when you team has lost their last three games after starting so well.
  
• guys like Alexander the Great, Bruce Lee and Mozart died at a younger age then you are now. But at least I outlived them.
  

"Who do you think you are?" and "Pink and mint-green pseudo-males"

I hate written assignments. I should be more specific. I hate arty-farty written assignments. All you are given is some lame criteria sheet which is so general you have no idea what you are to write about.

How about this for a topic, "Who do you think you are?". The last time I checked I think I was the 'Door. Hang on..... yes, that's right. What a wank. Does this require me to "find" myself? Send me to India to join a tantric yoga ashram then. The assignment will be substandard if you don't. This course, from which this assignment comes, has too much thinking and reflecting about things that you haven't even done! Haven't these people listened to the great philosopher and football coach John Kennedy? "Don't think, DO!".


At lunch today one of the guys in the office, let's call him M., ranted about t-shirts. It went something like this; goes to favourite t-shirt shop and all he saw were pink and mint-green t-shirts, goes out to a club and all he sees are guys dressed in pink and mint-green t-shirts. Is there any guy out there not conforming to the pack or are they all, as he says, 'psuedo-males' afraid to be an individual? In a past life, a pink t-shirt = chick. If you saw pink in the distance you assumed female. Science has shown that this colour association is linked to a gene on the Y chromosome. It's genetic to turn and check out anyone in pink. He did this today and realised he was checking out some guy. This is what began his rant. Poor M, if only he was bi then he would have nothing to worry about.

Personally I think male t-shirts should come in any colour, provided it is black. (Thanks to Henry Ford.)

Do you know what I mean?

I hate that question. Why are there so many using it to finish off a sentence? Why is it being used so often? Has our language changed so much that you can't assume that the person you are talking to will understand a word you say? "I fell and hurt my arm the other day, you know what I mean?". Unless the words have changed meaning, I think you are telling me that you fell and hurt your arm the other day.

Is it a tool to elicit sympathy? Am I supposed to feel your pain and comfort you in your time of need just because you tacked on those words? You would get a better response if you just left off that offending question.

I felt it was time to act and put a stop to it. I have deliberately begun answering the question in the negative by saying "No, I don't know what you mean." or by saying "Well, unless the meaning of the words have changed.....". Needless to say I have been getting some curt replies. But I don't care. Stupid phrases or questions should be treated with the comtempt that they deserve.

Let the ranting begin

It has been a while, but I've decide that the rants that I have should be forever recorded in history. Not because they are important, hardly; but because there are some people out there who actually want the crap that I say written down. I did write down a few rants many moons ago and I'll leave you with an example.

Info-crock
Have you ever flicked through those sections of the weekend papers which are normally used to line rubbish bins, the ones with titles such as 'Spirit and Health' and 'Travel Ideas'? Ever noticed ads within those liftouts masquerading as articles or special reports? The ones asking if you suffer from "high blood pressure, low blood pressure, insomnia, oversleep, arthritis, back pain, muscle pain, etc, etc" and then offering a pill, lotion, or tonic which will cure all these. Well I'm telling you now, "there is gold in them da hills!".

What would you expect to be labeled "Nature's Anti-inflammatory"? Ice maybe? NO. It's, wait for it, Oil of Emu! How they came to this conclusion is beyond me. I'm sure they did the scientific analysis of all Australian animals and their effect on inflammation. Oil would not have been the only substance tested. Bile, saliva and mucus would have also been tested. I can just imagine the research into Oil of Wombat, Oil of Echidna and Oil of Bilby. One thing that I'm curious about is how do they extract this Oil of Emu. Do they drill for it? You can just imagine a team of geological surveyors analysing an emu, then deciding the best place to drill. Before you know it, oil wells are popping up all over the emus back. The oil then has to be refined. As I've driven down towards Geelong, past those huge oil refineries, next to Shell Oil and Esso Oil, I'm sure I've spotted Emu Oil.

Here is a excerpt from a treatment for tinnitus.
"Ingredients are natural, so the treatment is unlikely to produce side effects."
Hmmm, this implies that everything that is natural is unlikely to cause harm. Tell Socrates that. Hemlock, a natural occurring substance, causes no side effects, well, apart from death. You could argue on a technicality that death ain't exactly the side effect but you get the picture. If everything that is natural is good for you, legalize dope. Snake venom is naturally occurring but I wouldn't be advising you to try that natural remedy. But it will get rid of your muscle and back pain.

Testimonials from unknown initials and celebrities litter these ads. An example:
"If you've forgotten what it feels like to be happy try MoodLift. It worked for me, it could work for you too."
Adriana Xenides.
After finishing spinning letters on Wheel of Fortune, I can understand life not being fulfilling anymore. Here is a similar testimony from a girl leaving a nightclub.
If you've forgotten what it feels like to be happy try Ecstasy. It worked for me, it could work for you too."
Candy, 18. Can you spot the difference?? Yep, Ecstasy works better.

The English language is always a victim of these ads. How about this:
"Women's health issues can cause many problems from mood swings, hot and cold flushes, menopause and it goes. Once you understand how your body works these conditions become relatively easy."
First question, where does what go? Second question, what becomes relatively easy, getting these symptoms? I think this may be harder to decipher then hieroglyphics.

Next time your bored or want a laugh, just have a read of these ads. There are more gems waiting to be found.

(Mel and Elaine are to blame for this.)