Let the ranting begin

It has been a while, but I've decide that the rants that I have should be forever recorded in history. Not because they are important, hardly; but because there are some people out there who actually want the crap that I say written down. I did write down a few rants many moons ago and I'll leave you with an example.

Info-crock
Have you ever flicked through those sections of the weekend papers which are normally used to line rubbish bins, the ones with titles such as 'Spirit and Health' and 'Travel Ideas'? Ever noticed ads within those liftouts masquerading as articles or special reports? The ones asking if you suffer from "high blood pressure, low blood pressure, insomnia, oversleep, arthritis, back pain, muscle pain, etc, etc" and then offering a pill, lotion, or tonic which will cure all these. Well I'm telling you now, "there is gold in them da hills!".

What would you expect to be labeled "Nature's Anti-inflammatory"? Ice maybe? NO. It's, wait for it, Oil of Emu! How they came to this conclusion is beyond me. I'm sure they did the scientific analysis of all Australian animals and their effect on inflammation. Oil would not have been the only substance tested. Bile, saliva and mucus would have also been tested. I can just imagine the research into Oil of Wombat, Oil of Echidna and Oil of Bilby. One thing that I'm curious about is how do they extract this Oil of Emu. Do they drill for it? You can just imagine a team of geological surveyors analysing an emu, then deciding the best place to drill. Before you know it, oil wells are popping up all over the emus back. The oil then has to be refined. As I've driven down towards Geelong, past those huge oil refineries, next to Shell Oil and Esso Oil, I'm sure I've spotted Emu Oil.

Here is a excerpt from a treatment for tinnitus.
"Ingredients are natural, so the treatment is unlikely to produce side effects."
Hmmm, this implies that everything that is natural is unlikely to cause harm. Tell Socrates that. Hemlock, a natural occurring substance, causes no side effects, well, apart from death. You could argue on a technicality that death ain't exactly the side effect but you get the picture. If everything that is natural is good for you, legalize dope. Snake venom is naturally occurring but I wouldn't be advising you to try that natural remedy. But it will get rid of your muscle and back pain.

Testimonials from unknown initials and celebrities litter these ads. An example:
"If you've forgotten what it feels like to be happy try MoodLift. It worked for me, it could work for you too."
Adriana Xenides.
After finishing spinning letters on Wheel of Fortune, I can understand life not being fulfilling anymore. Here is a similar testimony from a girl leaving a nightclub.
If you've forgotten what it feels like to be happy try Ecstasy. It worked for me, it could work for you too."
Candy, 18. Can you spot the difference?? Yep, Ecstasy works better.

The English language is always a victim of these ads. How about this:
"Women's health issues can cause many problems from mood swings, hot and cold flushes, menopause and it goes. Once you understand how your body works these conditions become relatively easy."
First question, where does what go? Second question, what becomes relatively easy, getting these symptoms? I think this may be harder to decipher then hieroglyphics.

Next time your bored or want a laugh, just have a read of these ads. There are more gems waiting to be found.

(Mel and Elaine are to blame for this.)